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I fought the lawn… and the lawn won

Dawn of the Peeps

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge, Columns on Thursday, March 10, 2005

March 1.

Spring is almost here! Woohoo! Birds are chirping, flowers blooming, the whole world is waking up. Spring! That grand time of year when a woman’s thoughts turn to…

Swimsuit season? Holy cow! It’s only a few months away−and I’m WAY out of shape!

March 2.

Desperate times call for desperate measurements. Here’s my new weekly schedule: three days cardio, three days weights, and yoga/pilates every evening. On the seventh day I collapse into a coma.

Started a low carb internet diet, too. Looks doable, except for the no sugar part. Couldn’t they come up with something easier? Like shaving my head?

And I wrote up an affirmation: Every day I’ll shine! Cute, hunh? Positive, yet symbolic of the new me.

March 6.

Lost one pound! Woohoo!

Had a scare at the grocery store today. Peeps! Normally I don’t like them, but right now they’re calling me. Ha! Like I’m gonna answer! First come the Peeps, then come the 62-inch hips!

Told myself I was gonna shine and I walked right past that dang Peeps display. But then I noticed I had THREE Peeps boxes in my cart! Don’t know how they got there, but I left them on the bread rack.

Woohoo!

March 13.

Close call today! Was having coffee with Rita when she pulls out a carton of Peeps and says “Want one?”

Next thing I know, my fingers are closing around one those sinister yellow…. ugh! I was THAT close. One minute I’m giving her the disgusted look; the next minute I’m about to chow down.

My affirmation saved me. Every day I’ll shine Every day I’ll … well, you get the picture. It worked! I put down that Peeps and walked right out.

I’m cancelling all future coffee dates with Rita. After all, what’s more important? An old friendship or the size of my bottom on June 21st?

March 20.

Two more pounds down! Woohoo!

Haven’t written much, mainly because I’m busy dodging those dang Peeps. They’re in all the stores, radiating some kind of irrisistable glow that pulls me in–yesterday I left 58 Peeps cartons on the bread rack!

I told Hubby he has to get the groceries from now on. He’s been acting all strange since Rita called him, but this really set him off. Ha! Like I care! Nothing gets between me and my new body. Every day… and all that.

March 27.

Worst day of my life. Easter Brunch at my mother-in-law’s. I’ve been doing great (down two more pounds, Woohoo!) but then she brought out some of those new pastel-colored Peeps with dessert!

She looked at me kind of funny when I shoved that chair between us. As calmly as I could I said, “Milly, STEP AWAY FROM THE PEEPS.” When she started laughing at me… I knew.

Hubby cut our visit real short. On the way home I tried to tell him she might still LOOK like his mother, but her insides had been replaced by the sugary marshmallow stuff found in all Peeps Pod People. He just kept asking me if I was taking diet pills.

Thank goodness the Peeps breeding season is officially over and life goes back to normal tomorrow. From now on I’ll shine! Woohoo!

March 28.

Evil Peeps! :-(

Still can’t get groceries–the stores are having Peeps sales–will the madness never end?

Hubby’s trying to smooth things over with his mom but if he thinks I will EVER set foot in that Peeps-infested house he is sadly mistaken.

Every day I’ll shine, every day I’ll shine…

March 29.

Writing this while holed up in my Peeps-free closet.

I’m surrounded. The mail carrier delivered a package but it was a trick–he had that Peeps smell all over him!

Told him to get away from me before I stuffed him into the microwave and THEN we’d see what happens when you nuke a Peeps! Ha! The coward ran, like the Peeps Fiend he is! (Woohoo!)

Obviously the Peeps Pod People now know where to find me. Like I care! I’ll look for them! They should tremble in their little Peeps cartons! Soon the whole world will know me as Bonnie, the Peeps Slayer! I’ll make everybody stuff every last Peeps where the sun don’t…

Woohoo!

  1. [...] Just the first of our annual Peeps Invasion, something the Office of Homeland Security has yet to take seriously, the fools. I know firsthand what these diabolical little buggers are up to and believe me, if you’re smart, you’ll keep your microwave at the ready. [...]

    Pingback by Ballpoint Wren » Super Sabado: St. Patrick actually drove the PEEPS out of Ireland — 3/17/2007 @ 5:09 pm

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