Not that I want to go all political on you, but I find this awfully funny. Besides, it’s nonpartisan. So there.

Apparently Congressional staffers at the U.S. House of Representatives made more than 1,000 changes to the online encyclopedia Wikipedia; naughty, naughty changes that violate those ethics Wikipedians HOLD SACRED, but which Congressional staffers find as unfathomable as IP addies and Web 2.0.

But what kind of changes, you ask? What kind of violations get you banned from Wikipedia?

“Furthermore, in 2005, Senator Coburn was voted the most annoying Senator by his peers in Congress. This was due to Senator Coburn being a huge douche-bag. In the August edition of Roll Call, the senator was voted “most likely to get his arse kicked by hill a hill staffer over recess”. He gladly accepted this honor saying “I completely expect to get my arse kicked because I suck at life”

Vandalized page for Senator Tom Coburn

Plenty of pages from both sides of the political spectrum were vandalized. Scott McClellan’s name got added to the definition for “douche.” Virginia Congressman Eric Cantor was noted as smelling “of cow dung.” They described Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist as “ineffective.”

More mean-spirited entries included renaming Senator Robert Byrd to Bobbity Negro Stabby Boid.

For over six months Congressional staffers (identified by IP addresses) changed pages, and for over six months Wikipedia users caught them and chastised them, to no avail.

It’s also apparent from the talk page that many people from the community are exasperated with the Congressional staffers.

Wikipedian conclusion: “Evidence of trying and failing to resolve the dispute”

Wikipedia also accused the Congressional staffers of a nefarious something called POV:

The Congressional staffers constantly push their unverified point of view (POV) and have no regard with editing policy.

Marty Meehan

1. “whitewashing” Marty Meehan

   “Meehan is also known nationally as one of the tobacco industry’s toughest critics” - where is the evidence for this?

2. Removing legitimate content again.

“POV-pushing,” Wikipedia

Well, hell-llooo! They are CONGRESSIONAL STAFFERS. That’s what they do: push their point of view, verified or not.

In fact, I think asking Congressional staffers to verify all statements before publishing them is kind of like asking terrorists to give peace a chance. I mean, they really should, but the very nature of their job description kind of goes against the possibility they actually will.

The American public in general knows this, but those Wikipedia guys—they’re just way too idealistic. Way.

At any rate, Wikipedia has found no resolution to this problem, except to periodically ban Congressional staffers from using the encyclopedia.

Obviously no moms were involved in determining this punitive action, because it isn’t harsh enough. If they were MY Congressional staffers, they would’ve lost their MySpace.com accounts, too.

wikipedia, House of Representatives, congressional staffers

No more Toilet Paper Updates. I’m through.

A gal can only take so much carnage before her composure starts to fail. And right now, the trash can is full up to here with shredded tissue and so am I.

Darn dog.

Besides, it’s not like he hasn’t found anything else to mangle.

WHAT: One Blank Floppy Disk

HOW: There’s an old Mac in Squirt’s room that runs software from floppies. He left some of his software and empty floppies… where?

On the floor.

BONNIE’S REACTION: Holy cow, look at this! Squirt! You left some floppies on the floor and Mojo just got into them!

SQUIRT’S REACTION: Oh, that happened DAYS ago, Mom. No big deal.

BONNIE: Days.

SQUIRT: Days!

BONNIE: You left it on the floor like this for DAYS? (her evil eye comes out, and boy is it scary)

SQUIRT: Well, um, maybe not days. I can’t remember!

HUBBY’S REACTION: Awww, Mojo’s curious! He just wanted to see what was inside. Cute little bug.

REPLACEMENT COST: None.

Bulldog Ditty
(as overheard in Casa de Wren)

doo be doo
doo bee doo bee
doo be doo

Love them little TPs
TPs what I love to eat
Bite they little heads off
Nibble on they tiny feet

(With apologies to Kliban)

HUBBY: Mojo got another one.

BONNIE: I don’t believe it! How?

HUBBY: I don’t know how. But I got a picture of it! I caught him red handed! Heh!

When I got home, there it was, toilet paper everywhere. Photographing it was too much for Hubby, who was overcome by the crime scene and had to leave to do more investigative work.

Ah, well. As I sit on the couch, my toes wiggling amongst the viscera and other random shreddings of Mojo’s latest victim, I think to myself…

I could really use a margarita.

A DOUBLE margarita.

And on that note, I declare this a Goofy Super Sabado. Because I’m feeling goofy. Between all the toilet paper death in the last two weeks and the prospect of my firstborn behind the wheel of a vehicle that doesn’t operate by feeding quarters into it, I do feel goofy. So pass the chips.

I want double guacamole, too.

(Read the rest of “Super Sabado: The carnage continues”)

His first word (after “Da” and “Ma”):

TIGER: Car!

His usual exhortation whilst I towed him and his baby brother in a bike trailer:

TIGER: Faster, Momma! Faster! Faster!

At age 5, playing by himself with his Hot Wheels:

TIGER: (high voice) We’re driving too fast! (low voice) Ha, ha, YES! We’re driving very fast! (high voice) We’re going to crash! (low voice) Yes! I’m driving fast enough we’re going to crash! (high voice) AieeeeEEEEE! (more sound effects) CRASH! CRASH! BOOM! KAPOWWWW! (imitates the sound of an ambulance siren) Errrrrrroooowwwww, eeerrrrrowwwww!

His back seat advice to me at the age of 10:

TIGER: Get in front of that guy! Faster, Mom! Faster!

His views at age 12 on the facilitation of traffic flow:

TIGER: The horn is the answer to EVERYTHING, Mom.

When he was 14 and somebody cut us off on I-5:

TIGER: Hit him, Mom! Pull up beside him and swipe him! I’m kidding, Mom! Maybe you could just tap his bumper. A little.

When he was 15, and I reminded him of that story:

TIGER: I was KIDDING. I wouldn’t actually do that. Hey. Speed up! Don’t let that Volkswagen get in front of us!

At age 16, waving his completed application for a learner’s permit:

TIGER: Today’s the day, Mom! 9:35 am! Oceanside DMV! Let’s go! Faster, Mom! Faster!

I’m not just taking one 16-year-old Tiger to get a learner’s permit; there’s a whole bunch of younger Tigers who are coming along, too.

Omigosh, what an ego boost.

Do you know who I look like? I mean, do you know what celebrity some fancy-shmancy face-recognition software says I look like?

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Bonnie. Separated at birth? You decide.

I find this a little hard to believe: a 64% recognition match. Buffy = Bonnie. Fun, but I mean… well.

Hey! There’s a button you can click for even more matches! Here’s my 52% match:

Hey, isn’t she that Chocolat babe, the one Johnny Dep had a thing for? Cool!

And yowza… I can even discover my male celebrity doppleganger:

Now that’s just weird.

Yup. A big ole’ bunch of rocks. Who knew?

I don’t know about you, but this just looks like a bunch of rocks to me. Yet it’s not a bunch of rocks. It’s ambergris.

And do you know where ambergris comes from?

Sperm whales. They vomit this stuff up and then it floats on the ocean until it washes ashore someplace.

And ambergris is pricey. An Australian couple found what they thought was a waxy rock on the beach, took it home and learned it was really a piece of whale vomit—worth approximately $295,000!

This raises some interesting philosophical questions, like, how do I get my very own rock whale vomit ambergris worth several hundred thousand dollars?

Read on.

ambergris, sperm whales

I’ve gotten tagged a few times, most recently by Miklb, but I’ve never filled one out on my site. This blog was what you might call A Meme-Free Zone.

But then I realized I might be missing out on a rite of blogger passage. An important Shared Cultural Experience! Or at the very least, a quickie way to fill up a post on a slow news day.

So I decided I would try a meme. Just one!

Once a year.

And this is the one.

Miklb’s meme. And just in case everybody hates memes and wants to assign blame for this meme-type post, you all know exactly where this meme came from. Right? Miklb. Good!

Here you go, Miklb!

MY 2006 MEME

(from Miklb)

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Camp counselor
2. Waitress
3. Secretary
4. Crossing Guard

Well, that was fun. Sort of. I still don’t get the attraction of these things… oh, wait. There’s more. Sheesh.

Four things I want to do before I die:
1. Keep my house clean—even when no company is coming
2. Travel
3. Um…
4. Er….

Really, this is harder than it looks. I don’t know what else I must do before I die… does this mean I’m living an unexamined life? Not reaching my full potential?

Yikes! I better say something pithy and erudite! Quickly, too, before everybody realizes I’m about as shallow as Hal was before Tony Robbins vamped him in that elevator.

3. End world hunger!
4. Unite the world in peace!

Oh, no! There’s more. Who thinks up these things?

Four things I say a lot:

This one is easy.

1. “You noodle!”

Hey! This whole thing sounds familiar all of a sudden. I think I already filled this out once before… Yes I did. Wow! I even had more things to do before I die!

But this one is a little different. Still… I can copy from that one.

Four things I say a lot:
1. “You noodle!”
2. “Hell-LOOOO!”
3. “Excuse me, but do you even know where the blinker is?”
4. “Who ate my….” (fill in the blank) “NOW what am I going to make for dinner?”

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chocolate
2. Chocolate
3. Chocolate
4. Chocolate

Four people I’d like to curse:
1-4. This would have to be four of the multitudes of people who cut me off on I-5 every weekday.

Four things I don’t trust:
1. Me, around chocolate
2. Me, around ice cream (especially chocolate ice cream)
3. Me, around cake (especially chocolate cake)
4. Me, around the TV.

Four people from history I’d like to meet:
1. Ben Franklin
2. Thomas Jefferson
3. Samuel L. Clemens
4. P.G. Wodehouse

Four No! SEVEN movies I watch over and over:
1. The Great Race
2. Star Wars
3. Pirates of the Carribean
4. Notorious (Cary Grant!)
5. Arsenic and Old Lace (Cary Grant!)
6. Either Ben Hur or Spartacus
7. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

There! I went out with a BANG. Seven movies, bwa ha, and everybody else only did four. I get extra points.

And now, that is it. My meme for the entire year! Woo hoo!

Blast it all… there’s more!

Four people I’d like to tag

Yikes! This part is scary! What if I invited a bunch of people and nobody came? I’ll tell you what: if you want to do this meme, do it and tell me, and I’ll insert your name and the link to your completed meme in the following box. Then we can both say I tagged you!

Oh, I am so clever.

Four people I’d like to tag
1. Paisley Scott
2.
3.
4.

I think it’s safe to say anyone would get a little punchy after several hours of close contact with teenage humans, especially those teenage humans who just wiped off all their sweat on my car seats.

Me: Hi, sweetie! Hey there, Eddy. How was school?

Eddy: Hey, Mrs. Wren! It was good.

Squirt: Eh.

Me: You guys… Oh, my. (sniffs cautiously) … Well… um… you just got out of P.E., hunh?

Squirt: Yeah! Dodgeball, Mom, it rules! That is the best game, ever.

Me: Aha, yes. Excuse me while I roll down the windows.

I spend a lot of time in my van, what with swim team practices, two different school schedules and two carpools. One day last week I clocked in just under 4 automotive hours between 1:20 and 6:30. To pass the time, I either listen to the radio or the Sweaty Teenager Show.

Guess which one’s been featuring a bunch of dead baby jokes lately?

Squirt: Hey, Mom! What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a car?

Me: Uh, er… wait! Um… Oh, I give up.

Squirt: I don’t have a car in my garage.

Me: Unh hunh. Maybe you shouldn’t repeat that one in front of the school counselor, okay? I bet she already knows you’re the one who wrote that comic book. You know, the one with all the machetes, machine guns and squirting blood in it.

Squirt: Aw, Mom. It was squirting zombie blood. I keep telling you that. (rolls eyes)

Between the oxygen deprivation and the squirting zombie blood, I have to say my sense of humor isn’t what it should be. In my defense, I never understood the charm of dead baby jokes when I was a kid, either. When it comes to “with it” parenting, I am definitely without.

Squirt: Mom! You’ll like this one better: What’s the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

Me: Ugh, one is a truck… filled with bowling balls?

Squirt: You can use a pitchfork to unload the truckload of dead babies.

Me: Yeah, keep that one away from the school counselor, too.

Eddy: I got one! Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Me: I give up.

Eddy: Because it was stapled to the chicken.

Squirt: HA! That’s a good one!

Me: Both of you should stay away from the school counselor. It’s just best, you know?

A certain Boston Terrier I know loves to tear apart empty toilet paper rolls.

Our resident bulldog doesn’t believe in waiting until they’re empty.

WHAT: One Week’s Worth of the Mojo Toilet Paper Recovery Program

HOW: 75% of the humans in this household are male. After several years of close contact and careful observation, I have determined that males are genetically incapable of placing a roll of toilet paper on a toilet paper holder.

Sadly, this genetic disability leaves them with only two options: 1) place the roll of toilet paper on a nearby sink or stand, or 2) place the roll of toilet paper on the floor.

Guess which option our household males generally choose?

BONNIE’S REACTION: ANOTHER ROLL OF TOILET PAPER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD WHEN ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO LEARN!

SQUIRT’S REACTION: It wasn’t me!

TIGER’S REACTION: Squirt used the bathroom last!

HUBBY’S REACTION: Don’t look at me. I am exempt.

REPLACEMENT COST This was the worst week of Toilet Paper Death: 5 rolls at 45 cents each. I couldn’t even salvage them because they were kind of melted—partially dissolved under the corrosive power of Bulldog Drool.