And now, the winning project of the 52nd Annual Greater San Diego Science & Engineering Fair: The filtered dog thong!

Now you, too, can stop canine flatulence at its source!

No… wait. I lied. This clever device has nothing whatsoever to do with the Greater San Diego Science & Engineering Fair, even though I believe it would’ve won top prizes if it had been an entry.

I mean, 2004′s sweepstakes-winning “Quantifying The Effect of Tungsten Illumination on Color Rendering of Low-Pressure Sodium” was an excellent science project, warming the hearts of astronomers all over the world. No argument there.

But what do science fair projects like that do for those of us suffering from the unbearable heartbreak of canine flatulence? Nada, that’s what.

Ah, well. Maybe next year.

Sadly, I didn’t get to see the real grand prize winner because by 7:30 pm the judges had only finished listing off the third prize winners, junior division, and Squirt still had Geometry homework to do. Even more pressing was the fact he hadn’t eaten in 2 hours and was gnawing on the IpayOne Arena‘s metal folding chairs.

We did stay long enough to come home with one ribbon, though: 4th Place Senior Division in his category, which I’m not allowed to describe here because it might humiliate poor Squirt, who, while most proud of his stinky underwear, is shy about any positive academic achievement.

I thought winning a prize was cool, though, for various reasons, but mainly because of out of 12,000 qualifying San Diego science projects, only 800 made it to the fair, and Squirt was one of the 800. Hoo yah! An achievement made even more noteworthy when you consider Squirt was born of a science-impaired mother who still twitches when remembering her high school Chemistry class.

Still, behind every science fair winner is a supportive parent, and I think it would’ve been nice if I’d gotten a little recognition, too. Here are just a few of the possible awards I could’ve won:

The Constant Vigilance Award: For successfully preventing a determined bulldog from scarfing down Squirt’s science project, even though Squirt often found the need to leave parts of it ON THE GROUND. The noodle.

The Fast Driving For Science Award: For successfully making it to the Foam Display Board Store minutes before it closed, even though her son knew MONTHS in advance that he’d need a new foam display board by 7:45 the next morning.

The Resourceful Solutions in Problem Solving Award (AKA, The Stoic Self-Restraint Award): For listening to Squirt’s repeated assurances throughout the afternoon that his project was packed up and ready to take to the exhibition hall at 5 pm, and then discovering at 5 pm that his entire project was not “here”, but rather “locked up in a classroom at school.”

Here’s to all the winners, when they finally post the list. You done good, kids, even though none of you managed to solve the pervasive problem of canine flatulence.

(Thanks, You Can’t Make It Up.)

YOGURT TELLS OF ORDEAL: “It was horrible, horrible!”

Our kitchen island ought to be studied by world-class scientists of gravitational theory. Really, it should, because at any time you will find all sorts of stuff that’s mysteriously landed on it; stuff that no one ever remembers putting there!

We’re talking cell phones. Bookbags. Briefcases. Water bottles. Cold medicine. Swim trophies. Geometry homework. Snorkels. Baby wipes. Library books. And even pencil sharpeners! You name it, it arrives on the kitchen island all by itself, rarely leaving room for anything that might actually belong, you know, in a kitchen.

How or why this happens, I don’t know, but I’m confident it has absolutely nothing to do with my housekeeping skills. Rather, I feel very strongly it’s the result of (Read the rest of “The Curse of the Kitchen Island Cooktop”)

Is she holding what I think she’s holding?

I believe I’ve started procrastinating on my procrastination posts. This can mean only one thing: I’m becoming an expert!

Today’s procrastination is brought to you by the Internet Archive, specifically those “moving images” of the old classroom education films we had to watch as kids.

Remember those?

MR. FINLEY: I give up! I give up! Other men have helpful families. Not me! (he stomps out of the house) Nobody gives me the least consideration. I just get so tired of letting other people push me around! (he plows his car into a police station)

Mr. Finley’s Feelings (1956)

Mr. Finley certainly needed to learn how to deal with his angry feelings in a more constructive way. But not all of the movies we had to watch were about “mental hygiene.” Sometimes they were about “health.”

(Molly removes sanitary pad from her sister’s Modess box and looks at it longingly.)

MOLLY: Jeannie, when do you think I’ll start having periods, too?

Molly Grows Up (1953)

Of course, the boys couldn’t watch health films like Molly Grows Up because… well, they were BOYS. They had their own health films to watch:

(Bill and older boy are working over a lawnmower)

BOY: Hey, you know something?

BILL: No. What?

BOY: I had a wet dream last night!

BILL: What’s that?

NARRATOR: It was something new to Bill, this business of nocturnal emissions!

As Boys Grow (1957)

Most of the movies, though, had important messages for both genders.

BILLY: (dozing off) I bet cowboys don’t wash all the time.

VOICE: But you’re wrong, Billy. It’s not ‘sissy’ to be clean.

BILLY: Who said that? Who’s there?

VOICE: I did! One of your best friends. Let me introduce myself. (a man in a box shaped like a bar of soap fades in and bows) Soapy is the name, pardner.

BILLY: Why, you’re a living cake of soap!

SOAPY: Big as life, Billy!

Soapy the Germ Fighter (1951)

I believe I found most of the education films I remembered, including The Strange Ones, about how little Karen ignored her parents’ warnings and not only accepted candy from a stranger, but got into his car!

And then there’s the infamous Duck and Cover, containing clever little tips on how to survive an atomic bomb, demonstrated by Bert the Turtle.

NARRATOR: It is such a big explosion it can smash in buildings and knock signboards over and break windows all over town! But if you duck and cover like Bert you will be much safer.

Duck and Cover (1951)

My favorites will always be the “health” films, though.

ANN: Miss Jensen, what about dancing? Can you when you’re menstruating?

MISS JENSEN: Yes, you can, with moderation. (she points to a chart on the wall listing acceptable and not-so-acceptable activities during menstruation)

It’s not a good idea to skate, ride horseback, play fast games like volleyball or basketball, or do strenuous dancing like square dancing, or anything that bounces you around a lot.

Molly Grows Up (1953)

According to Miss Jensen’s wall chart, it IS okay to “picnic”. Who knew?

Yikes! I’ve heard those Formosan termites work fast… could it be they’ve invaded our house?

(Read the rest of “Monday Morning Mojo No. 26: Could it be… termites?”)

Another fine morning spent at CyberBrew Coffee, only I’m stuck with green tea today. The better to boost my metabolism, reduce cortisol levels, and eliminate all pleasure in my life.

Thank goodness I still have my Super Sabado this afternoon. I haven’t yet read anything substantive tying Margaritas to higher cortisol levels, though, so let’s have another round!

(Read the rest of “Super Sabado: the Green Tea Version”)

What I Said:

Hmmm, I’d say you need to practice backing-up a little more.

What I Thought:

Oooh, now THAT was a little scary.

What I Said:

Whew! That’s why we always slow down on blind curves. Don’t want to mow somebody down because we didn’t see them in time.

What I Thought:

Omigod! We almost hit that elderly pedestrian and his dog! He clutched his heart—I hope he’s okay! Wait a minute… where’s his dog? We DID miss the dog, didn’t we?

What I Said:

That was a bit of a rough stop, Tiger. Don’t worry… you’ll get better with practice.

What I Thought:

Will I ever get my teeth marks out of the dash?

What I Said:

Oh, my! Well, next time just remember: “SMOG.” Signal, mirror, over-the-shoulder, go.

What I Thought:

We almost pulled right into that bus! Oweee—is this what a stroke feels like? Yes, God, take me now! Don’t wanna die in a fiery crash!

What I Said:

Slow down a little, gently, gently.

What I Thought:

SLOW DOWN SLOW DOWN SLOW DOWN FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY SLOW DOWN!

What I Said:

Pull to the left, please. Quickly.

What I Thought:

We’re going to hit that parked car! MOVE OVER MOVE OVER MOVE OVER MOVE OVER OH LORD WE’RE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT!

What I Said:

Uh, do you see that oncoming truck?

What I Thought:

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Yup. Exactly how I remember them, too. Scary!

1. I’ve always had an overactive imagination. This makes it awfully hard to sleep sometimes, especially when tree branches are trying to work their way in through the window so they can grab me.
2. I was scared to death of hippies when I was a kid.
3. I was also afraid of clowns, ghosts, demons, dead people, and burglars. Barnabas Collins was very gentlemanly, though, so I felt vampires must be all right.
4. In the fifth grade I had a crush on a boy named Kenny. I wrote a story about my class visiting a haunted house and made him the hero. The class applauded when the teacher read it out loud, but Kenny never did talk to me.
5. I was a religious kid. I wanted to be a missionary and save souls in Africa. Or India. I didn’t care where, as long as I got to travel. Secretly, I hoped Kenny wanted to be a missionary, too.
6. In the sixth grade my friend Angela let me use her mobile library card so I could check out two books every week instead of just one. I always finished the first book by the end of recess that afternoon.
7. I tried to commit one high school prank in my senior year, but after I filled the girls’ bathroom with toilet paper, I felt so guilty I confessed within the hour and cleaned it up that afternoon.
8. I saw Star Wars 12 times at the Avco Cinema in Westwood, because the Avco had Dolby Sound.
9. My first year in college, one of my friends asked me if I’d help surprise her coach at her team’s Christmas party by jumping out of a giant cardboard box that was wrapped as a present. My friend and I had no idea her coach would take things so seriously.
10. That same year, another friend had to travel at the last minute and asked me to assist her boyfriend at an auto show. After she promised me her boyfriend wouldn’t take things seriously, I spent most of that day draping myself over his tricked-out truck. I remember lots of Japanese gentlemen taking pictures.

Just thought I’d share.

BONNIE: Tiger, have you done your homework?

TIGER: Mom, not now! I’m… passing… THROUGH THE CUBE FIELD!

BONNIE: The cube what?

TIGER: BWA HA!

(furiously types out an IM)

i set the record on cubed! who the king? i da king.

BONNIE: What happened to using capital letters?

TIGER: (hits return and starts another IM)

334982 hoo rah

(turns to his mom)

Sorry, Mom, but I had to show Matt how I TOTALLY RULE IN CUBE FIELD. (throws fist into air)

BONNIE: And that is…?

TIGER: You have to dodge these cubes, and it gets harder and harder, until you hit one. It’s really simple but it gets hard. That’s my high score! 334982! Wait a minute…

(he pauses as an IM comes in)

IM: 1985954 Not a record Sorry Tiger

BONNIE: Doesn’t anybody care about punctuation any more?

TIGER: WHAT? He got over a million? NO-O-O-O-O-O!

BONNIE: Let me try that…

(one hour later)

BONNIE: NO-O-O-O! How come this is so hard?

TIGER: I told you! Now let me have it back! You’ve played it long enough!

HUBBY: I’m home! What’s for dinner?

TIGER: Um, I think we’re busted, Mom.

There’s one less leprechaun running around here lately.

WHAT: One St. Patrick’s Day Hat

HOW: We’re not exactly sure, since it happened on Hubby’s watch.

Hubby may be an excellent engineer who can solve technical problems as efficiently as a kindergarten teacher fills paste jars; he may even be the kind of guy who can glance over a workout partner over and see that the guy isn’t squeezing his triceps muscle correctly during a French Press; yet his observant and well-educated brain is just only so much kibble in a determined bulldog’s paw.

BONNIE’S REACTION: So how did this happen?

HUBBY’S REACTION: He found it and chewed it up. What? There’s more?

REPLACEMENT COST: None.

The moment Tiger put on his tux for his first dance, Hubby turned to me and said:

HUBBY: Bonnie, remember: this is a digital camera. That means we can take THOUSANDS of photographs if we want, just because we CAN. And if we take THOUSANDS, a couple of ‘em are bound to be good ones.

I thanked Hubby for his confidence in me as a photographer, and then turned my viewfinder on Tiger. Here are the results: (Read the rest of “After the dance”)