I can barely move.

No, I was not in an auto accident. I wasn’t beat up by bullies or ground up in a shredder, either, although “Bonnie, All Ground Up in a Shredder” very accurately describes the current state of my muscles.

Ow! Oooh! Eee! Ouch!

This is just what happens to you when you pick a fitness DVD called “Gym Style Legs” to be your first workout in two weeks.

Or more accurately, this is what happens when you do the first half hour of “Gym Style Legs” and then spend the remaining half hour whimpering on the floor, while a bulldog tries to sniff as much as he can of your smelly parts.

So forgive me if I can’t muster up enough energy to do more than sip on my low-carb margarita. I’ll pass on those chips, too, thanks. Just shove over that bowl of guacamole, will ya? And a spoon, too.

Today’s much-weakened Super Sabado is (Read the rest of “Super Sabado: Sorely done”)

I just don’t get how come the critics dissed The Island.

I mean, it’s got a crapload of explosions—and Scarlett Johansson, too! What more were they looking for?

10:25 am: I scratch a couple items off my To Do list, including “Do laundry” and “clean out closet.” I put a “Tomorrow!” notation next to “Work out.” I head for the car for these last items: “Car wash,” “Get gas,” and “Get groceries.”

10:30 am: This isn’t good.

11:30 am: The Auto Club guy tells me (Read the rest of “Adventures in time management”)

Heh! Isn’t he sweet?

Want a fun, free clock to spiff up your site’s sidebar? There are quite a few free clocks here to decorate your blog, everything from analog to digital. And all free! (Unless you want to spend $100 for a custom-made clock.)

Here’s a little countdown bar I made up—you get to pick the colors and the message.

But I really need a (Read the rest of “Time waits for no stick figures”)

Today’s Monday Morning Mojo represents a slight change in focus. (Translation: he didn’t chew up anything this week.)

And when you are a good little bulldog who refrains from tearing into cell phones and snorkels and ceiling fan remotes, you get to go to (Read the rest of “Monday Morning Mojo No. 30: Dog Beach”)

Zombies to walk the streets of Sydney, Australia April 30! The undead contagion appears to have spread from Brisbane, where zombies took the streets on April 2nd.

But wait! We Norte Americanos had our own Zombie Lurches in Madison, Wisconsin and Toronto, Canada back in October 2005. The undead are not only walking the earth, they’re out for equal rights!

Today’s Super Sabado is (Read the rest of “Super Sabado: Mo-o-ore BRAAAAAAIIIIIINSSSS!”)

Blurry picture courtesy of the “no flash photography allowed” rule. Tiger is stage right, second spoon from the left.

WOMAN: My son appears in several of the skits tonight.

BONNIE: How nice!

WOMAN: Do you have a child in the show?

BONNIE: Yes. My son.

WOMAN: And what is he doing?

BONNIE: He’s, um, playing a … (coughs) … a …spoon.

WOMAN: He’s playing a tune?

BONNIE: He’s playing a spoon! A spoon! There! I said it! My SON IS A SPOON.

Actually, I made up this scene. In reality I am quite proud of my son. The spoon.

As a matter of fact, I can honestly say without any parental bias whatsoever that my son is not only a spoon, but he is an extremely HANDSOME and TALENTED spoon. Possibly the most handsome and talented spoon on stage last night, thank you very much.

And as long as we’re on this subject, I might as well add that I’ve never seen another spoon sing or dance so entertainingly in my entire life, and I grew up in the 60s and 70s.

But who would expect Tiger’s experience as a spoon to reveal the sad reality of cutlery inequality in America today? Who knew the injustice against spoons could be so blatant?

COSTUME MANAGER: Listen up! Pants will set you back $15, but shorts only cost $13.

TIGER: But those shorts… are too short! We won’t look like real spoons in shorts!

MIKE, FELLOW SPOON: Especially in those shorts. Money is no object. Give us the pants.

(several days later)

You may see a boy dressed as a fork, but I see an example of the anti-spoonism that rages across America today.

COSTUME MANAGER: Okay, guys, I saved us all a little money! (to the forks) Here are your pants.

FORKS: Yaay!

COSTUME MANAGER: (to the spoons) Here are your shorts.

TIGER: What!

MIKE: The forks get pants and we don’t?

TIGER: But we paid for pants!

COSTUME MANAGER: It was cheaper.

MIKE: What did you do… go to lunch on our pants?

I have half a mind to go to that school and challenge this flatware injustice entrenched in our educational system RIGHT NOW.

Every spring we get an Association letter informing us that we’ve lowered our neighbor’s property values again. But maybe not this year!

Now, normally I have the blackest thumb around. Once I gently (Read the rest of “Mint redemption”)

I don’t know what’s more fun:

1. Having my very own “human cheer groups” transform Mojo’s mug shot into a stadium flipcard mosaic, or
2. the translated instructions that accompany this toy!

Upload a simple picture (not too much detail, under 500 kb, and as close to square as possible) by clicking on the “Browse” button and finding the photo you want on your computer. Then hit the button directly under the file name—the button is in Japanese, but it IS a button.

Take a look at the detail of the produced image: a whole army of little stadium flipcard flippers!

The site went down when it first started to receive attention… so if you only get text back, or if you get a strange picture that’s in black and white, it’s the Japanese character for “Busy, try again later!”

Or, as the translated instructions say, “When request for support is intensive, when the filter which is done you wait, it is.”

Via Digg.com.

This weekend Hubby and the boys took Mojo to Dog Beach, where they learned something really interesting: if you mix bulldog drool with sea water, you get a foamy substance that dries rock solid all over the car upholstery.

(Read the rest of “Monday Morning Mojo No. 29″)