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I fought the lawn… and the lawn won

Cats don’t need no stinkin’ garlic butter

Filed under: Battle of the Bulge, Little Critters on Thursday, March 9, 2006
Sign that says 'NO SNACKING, NIBBLING, MUNCHING, GRAZING, NOSHING, SCARFING OR GOBBLING'
Did I forget anything?

We don’t say “diet” around here, no, no, no.

The very word diet comes from an Old French word meaning “put the cookie down,” and therefore denotes deprivation and great sadness, not to mention multiple handfuls of Nestlé Toll House Morsels tossed back when nobody’s looking.

Nope. In our house we use the phrase, “eat clean,” which means, we eat better than you.

It means that after intense dietary research, after the expensive purchase of lots of “whole” and “unprocessed” and “organic” foods, and after the violent and heartless removal of my stash of Nestlé Toll House Morsels from deep within the freezer, I may now make fun of my neighbor’s block of Velveeta when she isn’t in hearing range.

Because I’m eating clean, I’ve also gotten religion. Where I once mistakenly attended the Our Lady of Low Fat, I have now seen the light and worship at the Holy Mysteries of the Low Carb, where we tsk tsk about those poor souls still attending the Gathering of Calorie Counters. They’re all going to swimsuit hell. They just don’t know it yet.

Didn’t need religion yesterday, though. Any desire to eat instantly evaporated when I moved my kitchen trash container to sweep and found… this… creature:

Picture of the kiwa Hirsuta, which is very kiwa, and very hirsuta, if I may say so'
Allow me to introduce the Kiwa Hirsuta, which after intense scientific study has been found to be not only very kiwa, but also extremely hirsuta.

Okay, so that’s the wrong creature. My creature was a land lizard of some sort, minus various body parts, whereas this is a sea crustacean of some sort, presumably found intact. But I’m certain the scientists who discovered this character also lost their appetites when they realized what garlic butter would do to all that blonde hair.

By the way, “kiwa hirsuta” means hairy garlic butter, in case you were wondering.

Nope, the lizard creature I found had crawled under my kitchen trash to hide from one of the cats, but sadly gave up and croaked after he realized the Lizard Swat Team also got eaten and at that moment was being regurgitated all over our living room couch.

Yes, “eating clean” in this house is much easier than you’d think it might be.

  1. Oh my, you really have given me a kick start to the day. This post is fabulous…..especially the french lesson…too funny. Thanks for making my day!

    Comment by Michelle — 3/9/2006 @ 2:21 pm

  2. Oui, Madame.

    You missed my cookies in the freezer. And the cupboard and in Girl’s hand. ;)

    Cute critter. The new lobster thingy.

    Lizards? Ack! I can Burrito Girl and Two-Toes fighting over the privledge to toss it about.

    I’ll stick to the errant mice that sneak in. It causes a sudden case of movement and I’ll count that as excerise anyday. ;)

    Happy eating clean!

    Comment by Kait — 3/9/2006 @ 3:42 pm

  3. indeedy!

    … “The very word diet comes from an Old French word meaning … ‘put the cookie down’…”

    That is hilarious!!!

    Comment by Sissy — 3/10/2006 @ 8:01 am

  4. Inspired by your commitment to health, I jogged down to the mailbox and back. Then I attached the electic heart starter thingies (that I can’t spell) to myself and got the ticker going again.

    Then I had a doughnut. Man, I feel great today!

    Comment by pat kirby — 3/10/2006 @ 8:18 am

  5. LOL…that was great…that picture is really cool. I had to show that to my husband…the smarty-pants know-it-all knew what it was as soon as he saw it….Now If I could just get him to recognize a full garbage pail just as easily!

    I, too am a low-carber…have been for several years…I’ve got tons of really great recipes including mozzarella sticks…if you ever want them!

    Comment by Bonnie Calhoun — 3/10/2006 @ 9:29 pm

  6. I understand the lo-carb concept. Basically it means you don’t like eating. BUT…

    I wish they’d invent lo-carb remote controls. You know. The kind that have ON. OFF. STOP. GO. FORWARD. BACKWARDS. Its call Lo-IQ-Carb. That’s what I have. A very lo IQ. This kind of remote control could be placed in places where people like me tend to gather. Hotels. Motels. My video machine if I want to record something when I haven’t used it for six months…

    Deep sigh.

    Comment by pennyoz — 3/10/2006 @ 10:38 pm

  7. You make me ill, sick, incontinent – laughing.

    Comment by Bernita — 3/11/2006 @ 4:17 am

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