Ballpoint Wren Banner

I fought the lawn… and the lawn won

How to Fend off the Halloween Candy Bag and Save Your Bottom from Growing to Enormous Proportions

Filed under: Columns, So Cal Living on Friday, October 20, 2006

Picture of candy bags saying

The one eternal truth we moms have known ever since Eve candied her first apple is this: Halloween represents the start of our Annual Holiday Weight Gain. And we can blame it all on those bags of candy we’re supposedly buying for trick-or-treaters, but which we end up opening WAY before Halloween and …

Well.

You know the rest.

That’s why I offer you the following pointers—tips based on my many years of warfare with Halloween candy bags, which in my opinion are the biggest threat to face American hips, thighs and bottoms since those insidious little fruit and nut eggs got passed around last Easter.

Pay attention! The size of your bottom on New Year’s Day depends on it!

Tip No. 1: Buy Candy You Hate

If you buy stuff you like, you’re just asking for extra poundage. Minutes after you unload those groceries that candy will start singing its evil siren song: “You know you want me / come and get me / oooh wah / oooh wah.” And the next thing you know, you’ve got 62-inch hips.

Don’t let this happen to you! Only buy the stuff that disgusts you. (Like licorice. Bleah!)

Tip No. 2: Buy Cheap Candy

Expensive candy typically sings the most seductive siren song, whereas cheap candy has much weaker vocal cords.

If you still hear singing coming out of a bag of cheap candy, then you are in serious danger and must take steps to protect yourself immediately! (In fact, maybe you shouldn’t be in the possession of any candy bags at all. Proceed immediately to Tip No. 3.)

Tip No 3: If You Feel Yourself Weakening

TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION. The safest course is to sling ALL bags of candy into the direction of any nearby teenage males. Teenage males will quickly inhale even the cheapest candy and are unlikely to share it with you, even if you threaten to take away the Xbox.

Tip No. 4: If Teenage Males are Not Available

If you find yourself in the middle of an unexpected teenager shortage, throw the candy bags into the street and drive over them several times. Flat candy has never been known to sing very loudly.

Tip No. 5: Do Not Open Any Bags of Candy Prematurely!

Wait until the first trick-or-treater rings your doorbell! This tip can NOT be over overemphasized.

At first glance your unopened candy may appear as if it is only restrained by a cheap plastic bag, but that plastic bag has several protective properties, including a dampening effect that helps to muffle the sound of any singing candy.

Holes in the bag are worrisome, but only considered dangerous if they are larger than the smallest piece of candy.

Tip No. 6: Dealing With Surprise Attacks

If another member of your household has ambushed you with an open candy bag, do not panic. Yes, the surprise attack may be the hardest to defend against, but it is not impossible. Mental clarity is key.

Take a deep breath, grab the candy bag and fling it into your neighbor’s back yard. (This method is even more effective if the neighboring household has teenage males.)

Tip No. 7: Failure is Not an Option! However…

… if you have already succumbed to the Curse of the Halloween Candy Bag That Was Opened Too Soon and have already scarfed down a pound or two of candy—please, do not panic.

Years of experience with this situation has shown me the best way to handle it:

  1. Follow the emergency steps outlined in Tip No. 6.
  2. Hide the wrappers.
  3. Blame the dog.

Works every time.

  1. “Take a deep breath, grab the candy bag and fling it into your neighbor’s back yard. (This method is even more effective if the neighboring household has teenage males).”

    Or a swimming pool. Or teenage males IN a swimming pool.

    So far, I haven’t purchased any candy, but I did get those little bags of microwave popcorn.

    Hey, at least I’m getting my fiber…

    Comment by Ms. Karen — 10/20/2006 @ 5:38 pm

  2. Apparently we bought the Mormon Tabernacle Chorus Candy this year…

    The next batch is heading into the neighbor’s yard. Honest.

    Comment by jamie — 10/20/2006 @ 6:09 pm

  3. That is sooo funny. When I get tempted that is what I do, offer it to the nearest “soon to be teenager” and then poof it is gone. Temptation gone. Plus the next day they have football so they will wear it off faster =)

    Comment by Lrlwreath — 10/20/2006 @ 6:11 pm

  4. I always blamed the kids, but alas they are now gone from home. Now I just blame the infamous hitch hiker that Hubby made up to blame the spilled coffee and iced tea on the counter.

    Comment by Wander — 10/20/2006 @ 7:59 pm

  5. Just what I need to hear (and the photo cracks me up). My sister, while dieting, used to flush M&Ms down the toilet. It gave her a sense of power over the candy demons. Running them over in a car sounds even more effective.

    Comment by Julie Q. — 10/20/2006 @ 9:49 pm

  6. I know this is wrong, but I buy the things I like and hope we con’t get a lot of trick or treaters stopping by. An evil plan, but I seem to run out anyway.

    Comment by Steve — 10/21/2006 @ 2:23 am

  7. This temptation also rises like the sun at Easter and Christmas.
    DO NOT stash the candy under the bed. Especially if you have the habit of readin therein.

    Comment by Bernita — 10/21/2006 @ 5:00 am

  8. LOL! Great tips, Bonnie. How’d you know I bought my Halloween candy yesterday?
    I rely on Mr. Honey to be my conscience. That way when my conscience snarls at me to put the candy down, I can both do it and snarl back.

    Comment by Honey — 10/21/2006 @ 5:53 am

  9. man oh man – I have been stashing candy away for a month. Every time I buy some for the kids, I put half the bag in a ziplock and half in their dessert bowl (sorry maybe bad for them but I found bribary works well so we go with it) yesterday I bought a new bag and went to divie it up – half the ziplock was empty! Apparently the spouse extreme figured it was his for the taking and had wiped out half the Halloween candy – men – sheesh!

    Comment by Dennie ~ — 10/21/2006 @ 7:13 am

  10. 9) Read and reread this blog post over and over and over. You’ll feel like an idiot for succumbing.

    I pretend the candy aisle isn’t there until the day of. I don’t read the circulars promising how very very cheaply I can buy the candy if I don’t wait until THE day. I make my husband buy it. When the evening gets old, some lucky trick or treater ends up with a bag of candy tossed into their pack. When the kids come home, we check their candy, toss it in a bucket and put it in the freezer in the garage.

    Then I put big bags filled with stuff of questionable origin in front of the freezer, to make access difficult for somebody with a delicate back and prepare for the next onslaught – Thanksgiving.

    Comment by m.g. tarquini — 10/21/2006 @ 7:20 am

  11. Thanks, Bonnie. We can ALL benefit from these words of wisdom. :) “The life you save may be your own . . . ” I especially agree with the candy you hate pointer. That’s why I’m stocking up on Tootsie Rolls. I’m safe with those guys around.

    Comment by Michelle — 10/21/2006 @ 10:19 am

  12. Mr. Babe came home with a five pound bag of Jolly Ranchers today. Thank dog it wasn’t chocolate. I am not buying Halloween candy. I am going to turn out the lights, lock the doors, and go read in bed. And when the stores start selling pumpkin pies, I’m going to shop blindfolded.

    Comment by Lesia Valentine — 10/21/2006 @ 11:50 pm

  13. Funny post Bonnie!

    I actually made a comment a couple days ago–about horehound candy with tire tread patterns on it–oh heck not sure it was worth posting the first time, let alone again–apparently that was blogger’s opinion too (he hates me)because it never showed up in the comment thread.

    Anyway, I thank you for this laugh and the lovely super sabado (above) as well.

    Comment by dink — 10/22/2006 @ 9:51 am

  14. Ms. Karen: popcorn is very, very good, too. ESPECIALLY WITH CANDY.

    Whoa… lost my head there, for a minute.

    Ah, Jamie, I’ve never heard of that brand (heh!) but I imagine I could scarf it down quicker than anybody, even Savannah.

    See, LaurelWreath, you and I know the useful power of the disposal units we’ve been raising these past years, don’t we?

    Aaack! Wander! What will I do when they go off to college? Back to Tip No. 4.

    Hi, Julie Q,, thank you for dropping in. Yes, the car-flattening method is extremely effective, although a bit messy.

    Steve, you must be a man of steely resolve, to resist the candy before Halloween!

    Bernita, you sound like you learned this the hard way!

    Honey, I can’t imagine Mr. Honey snarling, even when he’s dressed up as a conscience.

    Dennie, that’s the worst thing: my man won’t touch the stuff. You sound like you’ve got more restsraint than I do.

    MG! You had to bring up Thanksgiving, didn’t you!

    Comment by Bonnie Wren — 10/22/2006 @ 4:30 pm

  15. Mmmmmm licorice.

    Reminds me I should go to the store & get some candy. Maybe this year some kids will actually show up. Or not… in which case I’ll be happily munching my way to obesity!!

    Comment by Smukke — 10/23/2006 @ 9:41 am

  16. […] Bonnie Wren is busy procrastinating (a kindred soul she is) and providing you with Halloween fun. She also has some fine tips on how to avoid pumpkin bum – ’cause it happens to the best of us. […]

    Pingback by glamabella and more - plain simple english — 10/30/2006 @ 4:20 pm

  17. […] Bonnie Wren is busy procrastinating (a kindred soul she is) and providing Halloween fun for all. She also has some fine tips on how to avoid pumpkin bum – ’cause it happens to the best of us. […]

    Pingback by glamabella and more - plain simple english — 11/11/2006 @ 5:21 pm

(required)

(required but not published)

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

 
My Ecosystem Details Blogrankings