The one eternal truth we moms have known ever since Eve candied her first apple is this: Halloween represents the start of our Annual Holiday Weight Gain. And we can blame it all on those bags of candy we’re supposedly buying for trick-or-treaters, but which we end up opening WAY before Halloween and …
You know the rest.
That’s why I offer you the following pointers—tips based on my many years of warfare with Halloween candy bags, which in my opinion are the biggest threat to face American hips, thighs and bottoms since those insidious little fruit and nut eggs got passed around last Easter.
Pay attention! The size of your bottom on New Year’s Day depends on it!
Tip No. 1: Buy Candy You Hate
If you buy stuff you like, you’re just asking for extra poundage. Minutes after you unload those groceries that candy will start singing its evil siren song: “You know you want me / come and get me / oooh wah / oooh wah.” And the next thing you know, you’ve got 62-inch hips.
Don’t let this happen to you! Only buy the stuff that disgusts you. (Like licorice. Bleah!)
Tip No. 2: Buy Cheap Candy
Expensive candy typically sings the most seductive siren song, whereas cheap candy has much weaker vocal cords.
If you still hear singing coming out of a bag of cheap candy, then you are in serious danger and must take steps to protect yourself immediately! (In fact, maybe you shouldn’t be in the possession of any candy bags at all. Proceed immediately to Tip No. 3.)
Tip No 3: If You Feel Yourself Weakening
TAKE IMMEDIATE ACTION. The safest course is to sling ALL bags of candy into the direction of any nearby teenage males. Teenage males will quickly inhale even the cheapest candy and are unlikely to share it with you, even if you threaten to take away the Xbox.
Tip No. 4: If Teenage Males are Not Available
If you find yourself in the middle of an unexpected teenager shortage, throw the candy bags into the street and drive over them several times. Flat candy has never been known to sing very loudly.
Tip No. 5: Do Not Open Any Bags of Candy Prematurely!
Wait until the first trick-or-treater rings your doorbell! This tip can NOT be over overemphasized.
At first glance your unopened candy may appear as if it is only restrained by a cheap plastic bag, but that plastic bag has several protective properties, including a dampening effect that helps to muffle the sound of any singing candy.
Holes in the bag are worrisome, but only considered dangerous if they are larger than the smallest piece of candy.
Tip No. 6: Dealing With Surprise Attacks
If another member of your household has ambushed you with an open candy bag, do not panic. Yes, the surprise attack may be the hardest to defend against, but it is not impossible. Mental clarity is key.
Take a deep breath, grab the candy bag and fling it into your neighbor’s back yard. (This method is even more effective if the neighboring household has teenage males.)
Tip No. 7: Failure is Not an Option! However…
… if you have already succumbed to the Curse of the Halloween Candy Bag That Was Opened Too Soon and have already scarfed down a pound or two of candy—please, do not panic.
Years of experience with this situation has shown me the best way to handle it:
- Follow the emergency steps outlined in Tip No. 6.
- Hide the wrappers.
- Blame the dog.
Works every time.