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I fought the lawn… and the lawn won

On bosoms, Chihuahuas, and free car washes

Filed under: Columns, Little Critters, So Cal Living on Thursday, May 11, 2006

I was digging through my pocketbook for my “One FREE car wash!” card when I heard the kissing.

“Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!”

It came from the woman ahead of me in line. I could only see her back, but she was tanned, curvy and blonde, wearing a white babydoll t-shirt and short-shorts. I immediately forgot the free car wash and considered instead 1) the freedom of sportswear a really good figure can give you, and 2) whether or not this gal was wearing any underwear.

Just then the blonde threw a Chihuahua onto her shoulder. For a quick moment I thought she was going to burp it, but she only kissed its neck several times.

“Mwah! My baby!” she crooned as her dog quivered and trembled. “Don’t be nervous! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! It’s just an old car wash!”

The line moved forward, prompting me to start digging around for my card again. All kissing and lack of underwear aside, who wants to pay for a car wash when they have a perfectly good free pass in their pocketbook… somewhere?

Just then the blonde whipped around, stunning me with one absolutely perfect bosom, barely contained within an ultra-low scoop neck.

“Do you own dogs?” she asked.

I hoped I’d averted my eyes quickly enough. “Yes!”

“Aren’t they great?”

“Oh, yes!” I nodded emphatically. “They’re great!”

She grinned and turned to face the cashier. “Pump No. 3!”

The cashier’s eyes widened until they looked like the cup lids by the soda machine. A man in a suit who was looking over the road map display also seemed transfixed. Both watched as the blonde struggled to open her handbag while holding her dog.

“Darn!” she said. She put down her handbag, pulled open the neck of her t-shirt, and tucked in the trembling pooch. The Chihuahua gave a contented sigh, echoed faintly by the cashier and Mr. Suit.

“He was cold!” laughed the blonde, handing her money to the cashier.

“Aw-w-w,” the cashier said hopefully.

“He gets cold so easily!” the blonde told Mr. Suit.

“Poor little pup,” sympathized Mr. Suit. “A Chihuahua?”

She laughed. “Yes! He’s a Chihuahua! Aren’t you, baby! Mwah!”

The cashier gave her a receipt, no doubt cursing his inability to make canine small talk. The blonde turned to Mr. Suit.

“Wanna pet him?”

The cashier and I froze. Mr. Suit’s mouth fell open, but he recovered quickly. Or at least, his hand did. It popped up, hovered briefly over the dog’s head, then moved in.

“Nice doggy,” he cooed, finally connecting with a pat on the pup’s head. “Nice, nice… doggy!” The Chihuahua made a little rattle, like the noise you hear if you hold the toaster lever down too long.

“Oh!” laughed the blonde. “He’s so protective! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Aren’t you, baby!”

She waved good-bye and sailed out of the lobby, the dog still tucked into her bosom, a hairy figurehead secured to the prow of a well-built schooner.

Mr. Suit wandered dazedly out the other side of the lobby. The cashier jumped when I pushed my credit card into his open hand. He completed the transaction and chuckled as he asked me for my signature, and I chuckled as I signed it.

In fact, I kept on chuckling until I sat down to wait for my car and realized my free car wash card was still in my pocketbook. Somewhere.

  1. LOL….

    What a sight to behold.

    Brave man to pet the pup. LOL……

    Sorry you ended up paying for the car wash…but what a tale to share. :D

    Comment by Kait — 5/11/2006 @ 6:25 am

  2. LOL ;-) I told you to stop following me around – hahahaha kidding, kidding

    Comment by Dennie — 5/11/2006 @ 7:09 am

  3. Wah! Dennie! You looked so cute in your short-shorts!

    Boy, you and Kait are fast!

    Comment by Bonnie Wren — 5/11/2006 @ 7:20 am

  4. How hilarious! :) Something like that is like a trainwreck. You don’t want to watch, but can’t help it.

    Comment by April Redmon — 5/11/2006 @ 10:50 am

  5. That’s a great way to describe it, April. I couldn’t take my eyes off that dog, nestled amongst the boobalas!

    Comment by Bonnie Wren — 5/12/2006 @ 4:12 pm

  6. Too funny! The price of a car wash would easily have been worth the entertainment! You can always wait for a boring day to cash in that coupon!

    Comment by Elizabeth — 5/12/2006 @ 10:21 pm

  7. I’m checking out some of your older posts…OMG how did I miss this one? Hilarious! Do you suppose she asked her surgeon to make her bosoms big enough to hold her dog? LOL

    Comment by Mimi — 7/11/2006 @ 5:37 pm

  8. I don’t know, Mimi, but wouldn’t that be something? “I’d like two Chihuahua holders, please.”

    Or would that be one Chihuahua holder? But you’d need two to do the holding… eh. Never mind!

    Comment by Bonnie Wren — 7/11/2006 @ 8:50 pm

  9. Oh lordy…those little dogs tend to have weak bladders. I’d sure never cram one down my shirt. Then again, I’m not an adoring fan of tiny, shuddering, yippy, rat-like dogs.

    Comment by Michelle K — 9/1/2006 @ 4:58 am

  10. That was hysterical!! And so vivid! I could just picture it alll in my mind! But, obviously the chiuahuah knew where close to the heart; or home is where the heart is, he sure was content in there! That was a great story!! kreed@med.miami.edu

    Comment by Kathleen — 9/2/2006 @ 5:47 pm

  11. Snort! You should have issued a beverage alert with this one, Bonnie. You owe me a keyboard.

    Comment by Lesia Valentine — 9/11/2006 @ 6:28 pm

  12. Not all chihuahuas are nervous little yippy things. Obviously this particular chihuahua was irrespsibly bred and carried lines with genetic temperment problems or the dog received little socilization during the critical development peroids of his life!

    Im sick of the bad reputation these amazing dogs get…please go to a AKC dog show and talk to the chihuahua exhibitors those are truely the dogs to represent the breed in type and temperment.

    Comment by Beth — 9/16/2006 @ 3:58 pm

  13. Beth, thanks for caring enough to comment.

    I agree that the Chihuahua’s popularity has caused a multitude of back yard breeders and puppy mills to produce as many as they can to meet the demand.

    Unfortunately, too many people don’t do their homework before buying a purebred dog, and the breed suffers because of it.

    Comment by Bonnie Wren — 9/16/2006 @ 4:23 pm

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