Imagine, if you will, four teenagers looking for entertainment during Spring Break. Imagine they ask their mother/auntie to take them to a dumb movie. Imagine that she does. Insert really scary music here.
The Benchwarmers. Aaack! My eyes! My eyes!
In my defense, other than its rating (PG-13) I had no idea what this movie was about, having seen no previews, read no reviews, and basically having lived under a rock for the last few months. During the opening credits I saw “A Happy Madison Production,” and tried to remember where I’d heard that term before, but alas, it was too late.
Needless to say, Squirt LOVED it. But then, he’s 15 now and infamous for his repertoire of potty jokes.
SQUIRT: Yup, I dropped two friends off at the lake today. Get it? Two friends? At the lake? Har! Har! Har!
To stem the flow of brain cells trying to escape during the movie, I concentrated on the audience trapped with me. I eventually focused on this one big guy and compared his middle-aged reactions with Squirt’s 15-year-old reactions to various plot devices:
|Plot Device||Big Guy||Squirt|
|Vomit (lots)||laughed happily||appreciative “eeew!”|
|Groin injury||huge laugh—HUGE||happy chuckle|
|Nose-picking||amused guffaw||“HAR HAR HAR!”|
|Fart weaponry||slaps armrest||delighted beyond measure|
|Man titty-twisting||fell out of seat||seemed confused|
|“Jocks who bully are really gay” joke||sneer||concern|
|Hot women find Rob Schneider’s and David Spade’s characters attractive even before they become heroes||accepted as perfectly plausible||ditto|
And there you have it, the entire plot of The Benchwarmers, wrapped up in a handy-dandy little table. As far as I know, only one parent was harmed during the viewing of this movie.
NOTE TO JON HEDER: Dude, you are seriously typecast. Get yourself into an action flick, or a Martin Scorsese film, quick!