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©2000 Bonnie Wren
All Rights Reserved

Go Away. Ant That Means YOU

as appeared in the San Diego Union-Tribune September 10, 2000

I just got a postcard from the California Department of Food and Agriculture, warning me to be on the lookout for "The Red Menace" (AKA Red Imported Fire ants). Ironic, isn't it? We worry about earthquakes, fires, mudslides, riots, and killer bees--and fire ants sneak in through the back door.

I can tell you anything you want to know about fire ants because I lived in Texas for three years. The Lone Star State is also known worldwide by its other nickname, "The Land of Bugs." And believe me, I stepped on some beauties.

Local Texans are always happy to educate panicky native Californians about their incredible galaxy of insects.

Me: "Um, why is that bug called a 'Cow Killer'?"

Texan: "Because if it bites ya, Hon, you're gonna shout: 'OW! That hurts so bad it could KILL A COW!' Get it, Hon?"

As you can see, I've been trained by the best.

The important thing to remember about fire ants is this: they have an attitude. They don't like neighbors and they don't like to be disturbed.

Like all other ants, they communicate with chemical smells, called pheromones (remember this word--I intend to use it later). Unlike other ants, there's a big stink hanging outside the door to their mound that says, "Go away. And that means you."

If you set up camp too close to a mound, the ants decide to teach you a lesson. (Soccer moms with lawn chairs, take note.) This lesson consists of them creeping up and climbing all over you on little tippy ant toes--they are really good at this and you won't even notice.

They wait until the whole troop is positioned properly for the best shock value. Then one of them releases a pheromone that translates to "Charge!" They all chomp in unison and you feel the fire ant "fire."

If you accidentally squish one before they're ready to attack, it releases a pheromone that translates to "A-a-a-a-ah!" which in fire ant lingo sounds exactly like "Charge!" and they'll all bite you anyway.

In Dallas there was one effective fire ant bait: yellow, crumbly stuff that you had to use by the expiration date, because fire ants are real picky. They turn up their noses unless the food is fresh. (Kids and dogs love the stuff, though, no matter how old it is.)

You can't put the poison directly on their mound because the ants immediately decide the neighborhood is too noisy for them and pack up and move a few feet away. You must gently place the poison around the mound. Be sure to whisper.

Texans are tough. They don't live in fear of fire ants; they laugh at them. Their kids even play with them. They stomp on a mound to see how deep they can make a footprint, then step back and watch the mound erupt into a seething morass of little, tiny ants shaking their little, tiny fists and swearing little, tiny pheromone cuss words. Then the ants pack up and move.

The kids don't get bitten because they can move faster than the ants. It's great fun. Adults play this, too, when they think no one is looking.

That's because while fire ants are a serious threat to agriculture, they're only responsible for perhaps some 30 deaths in the United States since they came here from South America in the 1930s.

If you are really worried about your kids, drain your pool. Residential swimming pools kill hundreds of children every year. "The Red Menace" doesn't even come close.

And don't forget this important Texan safety tip: "if you step in something soft, move away, real quick-like." It's probably a fire ant mound.

Then again, it could be something you'll want to hose off your shoe.

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Dispatches from the Battle of the Bulge:

Dawn of the Peeps,

Use the Force, Ellie Mae,

Mr. Beefcakes Goes for the Burn, and

My Chicharones

Critters who live here, too...

Catwoman,

Go Away! Ant that Means YOU,

Babies on Board


PLEASE NOTE: This is my old website. My new website is HERE.

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