Humor Columns

Living Big in So Cal

Dawn of the Peeps ... I tried to tell him she might still LOOK like his mother, but her insides had been replaced by the sugary marshmallow stuff found in all Peeps Pod People. He just kept asking me if I was taking diet pills ... (continued)

Moo-ove Over, Danielle ... The blunt approach always works best. Besides, it was the truth. I mean, why buy a cow when you're married to the milkman? And he looks like Arnie Schwarzenegger?... (continued)

Stray Cat Struts His Stuff ... It was hard to take him seriously, seeing as how I knew him when he barely came to my kneecap. But this boy wasn't just talking big. Women were clutching at his trawling line as if it was a life preserver and they were going under for the third time... (continued)

My Chicharones "... There's only one way to do this," he answered, and I knew what he meant. Swallowing my modesty, I grabbed the doorpost with both hands...

I Was Cursed by the Wholesale Club "... Take a good look at the contents of my cart. Notice how I have TWO of everything. Do you think I really need two 40-pound bags of dog food, two gallons of mayonnaise and two CDs of Three Australian Tenors Sing Brooklyn Ballads?..."

You Better Wave ... You might say I'm a persistent little waver. If you don't wave back at me, I think the problem through. I figure: You didn't see me wave. I mean, why else wouldn't you wave at me?...

I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won ... It turns out mowing is actually a lot like vacuuming, only you have to empty out the bag more often...

The PROBLEM Is... ... Mona leaned closer, smiling wickedly. "Bonnie," she asked, "Are you having an affair with the G.E. repairman?"...

Pushed to a Frizzle ... You don't often see an hourglass figure like hers anymore. Nowadays the beauty standard is less hourglass and more "candy apple on a stick"...

Use the Force, Ellie Mae ... Every summer I take a Weight Watchers cookbook and beat myself over the head with it...

Thanks a Lot, Mom ... Mom always said we'd never know when a bus might hit us and paramedics would have to check out our underwear...

The Phantom ... I hate the Phantom. Every October we receive a plate of treats and a cute Halloween chain letter threatening us with a curse unless we "Phantom" two more households within 24 hours. It's like a supernatural hostage situation with multi-level-marketing...

Prozac Summer ... Suddenly what Carl said finally worked its way into Didi's brain--and let's just say Hell hath no fury like the woman whose husband tells her to do something she was thinking of doing anyway...

The Bell Tolls for 90 Days, Same as Cash ... The next morning the bell rang twice. The first guy asked me what "solicitors" meant. After I told him, he promised me academic success for my boys if I purchased his reference books...

Hubby

Stuck in the Happiest Place on Earth ... Maybe the boys and I could give him the slip once we got inside. I really wanted a nice family experience, but I doubted even Jessica Rabbit could've put Hubby in a decent frame of mind at that point...

Revenge a Dish Best Served on Dirty Plates ... My husband claims I write a skewed version of the truth about him once a month. He refers, of course, to PMS days--those dark times when Hubby and the kids find it necessary to Pummel My Sanity...

Mr. Beefcakes Goes for the Burn ... He did seem kind of brawny in his sleeveless tee and shorts, and if he made one more pose I was going to have to throw a bucket of water over Didi...

The Other Woman is a Car ... I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to remember the last time he touched me like he was touching that car...

La Différence ... I do not believe that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It's absolutely impossible we come from the same solar system...

Pokémon Stories

Beware of the PokéMEN ... As the only woman in the group, I'm proud to say I was able to keep up with the power walking, elbow-flapping guys, who kept grouching at each other: "no running, NO RUNNING!"...

High Finance ... This really burned me up. Women everywhere were making a mint in collectibles while my MBA-toting husband fiddled with mutual funds...

The End of Life As We Know It ... Somehow we never got bitten by the Beanie Bug, despite accidentally buying two early Beanies that would now be quite valuable if 1) I hadn't taken the tags off (who knew?) and 2) I hadn't tossed them into the wash when they got dirty (I repeat, who knew?)...

Kids & Other Small Creatures

Norman Bates Doesn't Live Here Anymore, So Get Your Own Towels ... As usual, I can never shower by myself. If it isn't a knock at the door, it's one of those noisy split-personality debates Hubby says I should never tell anybody about...

Go Away! Ant That Means YOU ... I can tell you anything you want to know about fire ants because I lived in Texas for three years. The Lone Star State is also known world-wide by its other nickname, "The Land of Bugs." And believe me, I stepped on some beauties...

Catwoman ... I'd given plenty of pills to pets in my lifetime. It had been good practice for squirting Tylenol down toddlers' throats...

We All Have to Go Sometime ... They could be doing The Dance so fast you can't see their feet clearly, yet they refuse to admit to any unusual pressure in their lives at that minute...

Babies on Board ... All of them turned their tiny heads and stared at me as one, as if to say, "where's the chow?"...

Web Woes ... It always happens this time of year. I stagger out the front door to get the morning paper... and plow into the mother of all webs...

Baby Blues ... "Call your husband right now and tell him to come home. I want you pregnant by tomorrow morning." (She has always been a take-charge kind of woman, but this was pushing it just a little bit)...

This Is Not Your Mother's Piano Recital ... No one should confront a dessert table after an experience like that. I filled my face with everything I could grab, especially if it had chocolate in it. When I started to get dirty looks, I went for the carrot sticks...