I only occasionally had to translate Christmas carols when they were little. They might have wanted to know what a figgy pudding was, or mistletoe, or frankincense, but for the most part they just accepted it all as it was: Christmas music, to be heard at Christmas time.
Of course, that was before they heard an Eartha Kitt Christmas carol.
Eartha: Santa Baby, just slip a sable under the tree / For me / Been an awful good girl, Santa Baby / So hurry down the chimney tonight…
Tiger: She wants a Ford?
Squirt: Under the tree?
They’re young men now and the mysteries of figgy pudding are behind them, replaced by the newer mysteries of what women really want, especially women who sound as good as Eartha does.
Eartha: Santa baby, a ’54 convertible too / Light blue / I’ll wait up for you / dear Santa baby / so hurry down the chimney tonight…
Tiger: So she does want a car.
Squirt: Under the tree!
I guess some things don’t cross the generational divide like you’d think they would, like sables. And then there are those things that just leap across it, like Crasher, the Hormonally Charged Teenage Reindeer.
Eartha: Think of all the fun I’ve missed / Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed / Next year I could be just as good / If you’ll check off my Christmas list.
Bonnie: Ahem. This song is old! From, what… the fifties?
Squirt: That’s not so old.
Bonnie: Eartha Kitt sings it.
Tiger and Squirt: Who?
Bonnie: Uh, you know, the old lady witch in Ernest Scared Stupid?
Tiger and Squirt: Her? Really?
Eartha: Santa baby, I want a yacht,
And really that’s not a lot / Been an angel all year / Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
By the looks on their faces, I’d say Eartha’s message not only survived the test of time, it survived her role in Ernest Scared Stupid, too.
Eartha: Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight / Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex / And checks…
Tiger: She wants Legos?
Bonnie: Not Duplos… she wants a duplex. They’re like condos.
Eartha: Come and trim my Christmas tree / With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s…
Bonnie: Tiffany’s is a famous diamond sto—
Tiger: Shhh, Mom! We know what Tiffany’s is!
I’m doing this translation stuff for free, so you’d think there’d be some gratitude for the service I provide! Still, if they can’t appreciate me for my excellent recollections of interesting old-timer babes, at least I can cram a character lesson into the last few bars of Eartha’s routine.
Eartha: Santa Baby, forgot to mention one little thing / A ring / I don’t mean on the phone / Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight…
Bonnie: She’s really a little golddigger, isnt’ she? Most girls aren’t like that. I hope you boys don’t ever date girls like that! In fact, if your girl gives you a list of stuff she—
Tiger and Squirt: Shhh! MOM!
Then again, maybe not.
I love Eartha Kitt! She needs to be bottled, that woman is one treasure!
LOL! that’s too funny!
Too funny.
And now I need to go out and purchase that and drive my two insane with something that isn’t warped at Christmas.
Thanks for the laugh!
Jeez you crack me up. Especially the ‘shhh Mom!’
You do know that you are supposed to put your tag on your blog don’t you? Silly girl! But that’s okay, thanks for putting it in my comments. They were great. The seven things you most often say were hilarious.
Oh, Bonnie….ROFLOL…That was great. She was always one of my favorites. If you told the boys that she was CatWoman in the original Batman series on TV, they’d probably look at you strange again, so let it go…LOL
See….Mimi is a bad giril, tagging people again…That post I did about tagging was generated by HER!!!!
And as for Eartha Kitt music is may be in the public domain, try one of the MP3 free download sites!
Oy, M.C.!
Thank goodness Bonnie Calhoun came out so openly against tags—her post is an excellent cover for those of us who are tagging-impaired.
Ahhhh the best Catwoman ever! Great post!
A Ford under the tree: Hotwheels or Matchbox.
I dunno about the women aren’t gold diggers part. If tv commercials can be believed, and you know they are the soul of credibility, then the way to every woman’s heart is something shiny. [wink.]
I’m feeling all Grinchy. But that song reminded me that my satellite radio has a “funny” Christmas songs station. Gonna tune in as soon as I can.
That song is fun and you made it funnier!